Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Kill Me Now. Please.

This is the first day in a long while that I've seriously wanted a drink.

Needed a drink.

Needed to just numb out and not feel.

I didn't drink... but I wanted to.

I'm glad I didn't drink, but I'm scared.

I'm almost 7 years sober now, and I've heard that the 7 year mark seems to be a danger point for some obscure reason.

All I know is I had one of the worst days at work that I've had in at least a year.  It ended with my sobbing so hard in the parking lot at the end of the day that at first, I could not even get into my car.

Huge, racking sobs.

The kind that terminate in hiccups and shuddering breaths, hours after the initial episode.

The kind that suddenly and inexplicably begin again while watching Real Housewives. Or some sappy, obviously manipulative tear-jerking commercial on TV.

I'm doubting my intelligence, my abilities, my personality traits, my maturity level, and even my reason for being on this planet.

Do I seriously not have the capability to perform a job that anyone with a high school diploma or GED (not judging) can do?

I'll obviously never get promoted.

Demoted or fired is more like it.

Another year on a "final warning." Fun times.

I don't know how to fix this.

How to fix ME.

I do know that a drink won't fix it. Or me.

But, sometimes I sure do wish I could have one.

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