Breakfast of Champions

I found out yesterday in a phone conversation with my parents that my sweet, beautiful Mama has been diagnosed with diabetes. This disease runs in my maternal side of the family. She is now on medication, eating much healthier, eliminating sugar and simple carbohydrate foods, and walking. I'm thankful, and proud of her for taking this disease seriously.

Hearing this news, I was scared and upset, and a little angry. Not at her, not at the disease or our family's genes, but at myself. I have been eating sweets and simple carbs uncontrollably lately. At 5' 0", I'm at my highest weight in 18 years. I've put upwards of 15 pounds on my small-boned frame in the past 9 months. I haven't exercised regularly in 2 years.

The additional weight affects not only my physical abilities, but my mental and emotional health as well. My hormones are out of whack, and I've been having mood swings, depression, outbursts of anger, and hot flashes again, on a pretty regular basis. Everything seems to irritate and annoy me. My self confidence is low, and I avoid going out in public, if possible. My clothes don't fit, and I've long since disposed of my larger "fat clothes."

I feel guilty even complaining or admitting any of this to anyone but Roy. People looking at me still see a smaller woman, with some healthy "meat on my bones," as one of my brothers-in-law, puts it. I'm not fat, or anywhere near obese, or even unattractive.

I AM uncomfortable in my own skin, in this bigger body, though. I'm not able to walk fast without getting winded. I lack the  coordination and balance I had when working out regularly. My joints hurt, and I pull muscles doing normal chores around the house.

I know all this, and what to do about it, but can't seem to make the mental shift to get off my big(ger) derriere and start exercising and making healthier food choices. There is something blocking me, and I don't know what it is. That makes me depressed, despondent, and angry. The really bad thing is that when I'm feeling this way, my old nature starts taking over and directing my emotions outward as anger toward those I love.

I believe in my heart this isn't just a physical and mental/emotional matter. It is also spiritual.  My weight and my body perception and awareness issues easily become an area where I allow the Enemy to gain a foothold and drive a wedge that becomes a chasm between me and the Holy Spirit. I feel insignificant to, and abandoned by God, when the truth is, I'm ashamed to come before Him and admit to Him my failures and stupid choices. I move away from Him slowly, until I'm unaware that it's even occurring.

I've dealt with body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and impulse control since I was 16 or 17. I don't think I will ever have complete freedom from these issues wanting to dominate me and influence my mindset and mental and emotional health. I still struggle with each of these issues daily, depending on where I'm at regarding my weight, exercise, and food choices. 

I don't know what the answers are. There's no magic diet, no radical therapy, no pill or potion that will snap me out of this and cure me once and for all. It's a struggle. And, a spiritual battle.

I DO know that when I make a conscious, consistent effort to spend time each day with God, it becomes easier to take the first steps toward making better choices in my everyday life. If I fail to make my relationship with the Lord my priority, it doesn't matter how fit, skinny, or strong I am. It doesn't matter if I eat healthy, if I'm starving my connection to and awareness of the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit. If my motivation stems from an image of myself that doesn't begin or align with a desire to be conformed to the image of God, it is vain and fleeting.

I know each journey begins with a single step. This is me, taking my first step. These verses are my inspiration, my motivation, and my prayer for today:

Do not be conformed to this world,.but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13-14) 

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)