Sigh . . . (expletives deleted)

I'm f***ing depressed. When I'm depressed, it tends to come out from time to time as irrational anger, even rage. Or, I just become emotionally paralyzed or constantly weepy, walking around with a sadness so profound that my throat chronically aches and I feel as if I have a physical weight pressing me down.

I can't do anything to fix a lot of the things that are at the root of the depression. So I'm even more depressed, and growing despondent and anxious. I just want not to feel this way. If I can't fix what's wrong, I just want to make the feelings stop.

Drinking really works. I don't want to drink (I do want to, but I don't want to start that cycle up again). I need another way to deal with this that feels as good or is as numbing as drinking.

Please don't tell me this is a spiritual issue and that I need to find God. I know God. I have a relationship with God (even though it's pretty dead right now). I can't touch God and I can't see God, though. I can talk to him, but I might as well talk to the wall.

What I need is for my husband to not keep going to school, but to get a real job making real money so that we can get the house fixed and buy the furniture we need and get my dissolving fillings in my teeth replaced. What I need is not to feel that I'm waiting for my life to start up again, like I'm just living in a state of limbo or "hold" right now. This was supposed to last 2 years, and we're now entering the third year, and he's applying for a damn PhD program now.

This came out yesterday when I lost it and told him I was sick and tired of him being in school and that if he didn't get a real job I was going to divorce him. Of course, he just chalked this up to frustration and hormones on my part. So, I know I'm just holding this in, but this is how I really feel, and if I try to tell him this rationally, he'll just see it as my being non-supportive.

*Sigh*

Note: Edited to delete f-bombs -- that's just not me, unless I'm really ballistic, and it's sure not something I want anyone I know IRL to stumble across and read, and think "Hmmmm . . . Didn't know she had such a potty mouth!" I do, but only when I'm raging. (How sad is it that I don't care if people know I'm a bitchy hormonal drunk, but I do care if they know I can cuss like a sailor?)