Motivations

I keep reading comments on other blogs of people who are still struggling with the whole surrender thing (as I am, still), which urge the blogger to "Do it for you, not someone else." I understand what's at the heart of this advice, basically that you have to want to get better for you, your life and your sanity (and your relationships will naturally improve as a result), and I know this is true, but something someone said at the meeting I attended Monday night really struck me.

The woman at the meeting said, that when she had just begun her recovery process, her sponsor asked her how in the world she could do this for herself, when she hated herself more than anyone else. Her sponsor encouraged her to do it for WHATEVER reason worked.

I was sitting there, still hungover from my "last hurrah" binge, and outright despising myself. Tears just rolled down my face at her words, because they resonated so deeply with where I was in that moment.

Sometimes, I think we do have to do it for someone else, or some reason other than ourselves. Ultimately, it becomes for ourselves that we do what it takes, but if I need to get to a meeting, and I don't feel like it, and don't want to do it for me in that moment, I hope I can do it because I don't want to hurt my husband again, or embarrass my friends in public again, or avoid seeing my mother on Mother's Day and hurting her feelings again.

I'm not saying I want the opinions and affections of others to be my motivation, at least not most of the time, but I think it is part of the reason, and it has to be, because when we get in a place where we're craving alcohol, or craving release from pain or stress, the old voice kicks in so quickly and so powerfully that I'm not even aware of it until I've already started planning to fail again, and then it's too late, because I don't care about me; I just care about getting drunk.