I went to the meeting last night.
It was really hard. I was so apprehensive, and even though I know "no one is judging" me because they've either done it themselves or seen it countless times, there is still that element of shame in having to admit the slip and take the white chip one more time.
I sat through most of the meeting just trying to hold back tears. I think part of it was relief and gratitude that I actually had somewhere to go back to. A lot of it was fear, though, because I waited until the end when they were handing out chips, and didn't say anything at all until then.
I wasn't even going to speak up then. Just make a "secret surrender," but then when the guy doing the chip ritual asked if there was someone who wanted to take a white chip, "maybe someone coming back in after a slip," something or Someone made me jump up and say "I do!"
I think there is something powerful in that act of public surrender, something like going forward when an altar call is given (I'm a southern girl living in the Bible belt, after all). Last time I made it back to a meeting, I DIDN'T speak up, and I slipped again almost immediately.
This isn't really what I'd intended to write.
I was going to write about feeling grateful.
Usually, I have to really look for reasons for that, but I DO feel grateful this morning.
Grateful that I didn't wake up so hung over that all I could do was throw up and crawl back to bed (over and over). Grateful that even though I woke up with a little bit of a headache, I know it's either just from sinuses, or the last of the alcohol being purged from my system (I haven't had a drink since around 2:00 AM Wednesday morning, but I guess it takes a while when you have so much in your body). Grateful I could wake up and not feel ashamed and remorseful about the night before. Grateful that even though I'm still having difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep once I'm there, that when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, my first thoughts are, "God, please just help me to get through this and not drink," rather than "I've got to have just a little drink to get back to sleep." Grateful that when I opened the 'fridge this morning and saw how dirty it is, I realized I have the energy to tackle that task today.
And grateful that there is a meeting to go to tonight, even though it's not my favorite thing to do, and may not ever be.
Because this is what I do know that I have to do to stay sober today.
9 comments:
Hey Girlie,
Great post! That is soooo much courage taking the white chip. The most important thing you did was action and not leaving the surrender in your mind. By doing so you discover an empowerment over surrending, strange as it may seem but truly a miracle.
I took a white chip at an OA meeting last week. I am sober barely over a year bbut slipped back into the Bulimic world. My ego was not allowing me to surrender aloud, only silently making me as sick as my secret. I am glad you shared this part of your post, about the fears.
You have beautiful gratitude. Keep it rolling!
Hey there grateful alcoholic, welcome back! and try to keep it simple....Remmember that we don't have to drink anymore and even if we want to we just don't pick up that drink....We're here to help you....
Great job. Nice bit of Courage.
The fact that you can feel some gratitude is a big old bonus.
And maybe some day you'll actually enjoy going to meetings. You can make some wonderful, friends for life there, if you're willing to.
Hey, SC! I'm so proud of you for taking the white chip in OA. I was anorexic my senior year of high school, and when my parents realized what was going on and made me start eating, quickly became bulimic. Unfortunately, the bulimia lasted more than a decade after. All this to say, I can empathize with you, and know how hard it is to overcome EDs, so hang in there, sweetie. You've got OVER A YEAR in sobriety now, which is beyond HUGE!!!! And remember, we can usually only overcome one addiction at a time. You are AWESOME. You're TRULY an inspiration!
Diego, dAAve: Thanks so much for the encouragement, guys! I can't really think in terms of "some day" right now, though. I realize that's what usually leads to a slip for me (thinking too much about going to AA the rest of my life). For the next 90 days, I think my focus has to be very much in the present (i.e., this is what I need to do TODAY to keep sober), and once I reach a milestone or 2, I can look at the future and realize it's not as overwhelming that way.
Hi DG,
First time visiting, and my-o-my, what an appropriate post.
I had relapsed, but when I went to the meeting, I was very reluctant to do the white chip thing. Not sure why. I did talk about it once we broke into groups.
I also have a tendency not to stand up for "how many days/weeks sober"... weird, huh?
I too (yes, I guess we can all relate!) have to remember about being grateful. Guess I'm just not totally initiated yet - workin' on it!
Take care, and welcome back!
xoxo
Hi Designer Girl, it's my first time to your blog and I'm grateful I found it. Grateful for your honesty and COURAGE! We are all in this together.
psychbaby: I'm so glad you visited, and left this comment. I've been a "secret reader" (or lurker, I guess) of your blog, off and on, for several months. I relate to SO much of what you write. I love your honesty and openness.
I think one of the hardest things to do is to take that white chip after a relapse. The first time -- not so bad. But once you've messed up and have to go back in, it just sucks.
But I needed to do it, and I'm glad I did, and I'm glad you got a chance to talk about starting again in the small groups. That's probably what I would have opted for, too, except none of the meetings I've gone to so far break up into smaller groups!
carla b: Thanks for your encouragement and support. I had not found your blog before, either, and I'm blown away by your writing. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the rest of us.
Hey DG, Thanks for visiting my blog and thanks for sharing your journey with us. You take me right back to the beginning. Keep coming back until you want to and then keep coming back anyway.
You should be proud of yourself..it takes a lot of humility! Nice blog, by the way..I'm new:)
Post a Comment