Do not trust me. Are my lips moving? If so, I'm probably lying.
I hate, Hate, HATE myself and this truth about me, but you need to realize that this IS my truth. I don't know how to be honest when I can lie. Lying is actually easier than telling the truth for me.
I have to face you again in the morning. Knowing I've screwed up again, knowing I've hurt you once more.
I don't want to do this.
In some ways, it would be so much better, and so much easier if I could just go ahead and die.
Then, I wouldn't keep hurting you, and hurting myself. Then, it would all just be over.
But, I worry so much about God, and if I would have eternal life, or at least life in heaven, if I killed myself. Could and would God forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself?
I know you hate me right now, and that's o.k. I hate myself, so your hatred is almost irrelevant. . . not that it's not important.
How you feel toward me IS important, but I've screwed up so much so many times that I just don't even know what feelings are from you, and which are from me any more, and I just hate myself so much that I can't really believe you hate me any more than I do.
Please, PLEASE know that I hate, Hate, HATE being so sick. I HATE hurting you.
But, I will most likely continue to do so until I get well.
Don't let me escape.
Don't let me get by.
Challenge me.
Test me.
Force me to be honest.
I love you.
Please love me.
4 comments:
I have heard your cry a thousand times in AA meetings. You are not alone. I used to think I was unique. No one drank like I did. Nobody behaved the way I did. I was wrong, I heard many who were just like me. They even offered to help me. They wanted nothing in return. That was what saved me from me.
just a gentle reminder ...
YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN.
nuff said.
(for today)
dAAve, my AA brother, stole my thought. But I will repeat it just incase:
This is the last day you EVER have to feel this way. EVER.
Reading this again, over 15 years later, is terrifying. I'm reminded of a past I have no wish to shut the door upon, because it's a future I never want to manifest.
Obviously, back then, 9 months before I got sober, I wanted someone ELSE to "fix" me. That doesn't work. We have to realize no one can do the work for us.
Holding OTHERS accountable for OUR sobriety is unfair, unrealistic, and sets ourselves up for failure. If we really WANT it, we have to really WORK for it.
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