Yesterday was seven days. I've only been to 5 meetings (6, counting last night), but I'm going every day that I can physically get to one.
And so far, I'm not hating them, and I'm seeing the necessity of going, and yes, even enjoying some aspects of them, and some of the people I'm meeting.
The hardest part has been going to new meetings, but after walking in and sitting down, I'm okay, until someone forces me to speak (I HATE this, and BTW, since when has then been a requirement of a newcomer?? If I WANT to speak up, I will, but if you embarrass me or put me on the spot, there's a good chance I won't come back.).
I don't think I could have picked a worse time to try to get sober. I'm so stressed out by the upcoming move, having to pack, facing a 12 hour drive by myself, etc. I've been crying frequently, and I've been arguing a LOT more with my husband. My temper seems very volatile. I guess it was still there before, but I would just numb it with alcohol.
Yesterday morning, I was trying to get him to see my point of view on this whole moving issue, and he was trying to say that he knows what I'm going through, because it's difficult for him to leave here in some ways, too.
I just looked at him incredulously.
"How is it difficult for you? We're doing this because you want to. So you can pursue your dreams, your goals."
"Well, I really like this house, so it's hard for me to want to leave, too."
"It's not the house. Yeah, that's PART of it. But, that's not why I'm upset about moving. You're going TO something that you're excited about. You're starting a new chapter in your life, taking on a new challenge. I'm not going TO anything except the unknown. This scares the hell out of me. I dread this. And, driving the car down there by myself just represents everything I'm feeling and fearing right now. Being alone. Being anxious. Not really knowing where I'm going, or if I can get there without getting lost or breaking down."
Silence.
I wait for a full minute.
Continued silence.
"There are liquor stores down there, too, buddy, so you'd better start talking."
Nothing was really resolved, but I felt like MAYBE he had heard me.
Maybe.
More importantly, though, I was able to identify and express my fears verbally, and not just deny and hide them. I didn't try to escape them, and calm myself with alcohol.
Not yesterday.
And with God's and the group's help, not today.
6 comments:
You mention that this is the worst time to try to get sober.
It sounds to me like it's the best time to get sober.
Try to remember that change is not painful. Resistance to change is what hurts.
Keep in touch, please.
Thank you for helping me to stay sober today.
I'm glad you made it back. Many don't. Thanks for being here!
The first couple months of sobriety I was all raw nerves, like a turtle without a shell. Vulnerable, volatile, terrified. I was told it's normal, so want to pass it along to you. Also: It WILL pass (I didn't believe it but it's true...).
I just got back and am glad to see that you are still going to meetings. ))))))))))))))))) That's my big pat on the back!
You remind me soooooo much of myself when I got sober. I told my wife, "Shit's gonna get a hell of a lot worse before it gets any better!" The way I figured...if I was going to suffer, so was everyone else. I also thought I would remember the say the urge to drink left me....I don't. What I am trying to say is that whatever bad scenarios I dreamt up in my head about my getting sober never materialized. My mantra in the beginning was I gonna just go to 270 meetings in 90 days....if I don;t feel better then....Well I got there and said, "Hey! This ain't so bad....I think I'll do it again!" After a while, well you get where I'm going with this.
Regarding sharing in meetings...Just tell them you would rather listen today and pass. You are never required to share.You'll know when you are ready.
I like what awoken says about the listening, too often our thoughts are forming and we miss what is said, we miss the messages.
When you are ready you will speak, for now I am thankful that you are going to meetings.
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