I haven’t really been asleep since you came in the first time to wake me.
I just couldn’t stand the thought of facing you.
I hate what I am, and I hate what I’m doing, and I hate what it’s doing to you. I want to stop. I REALLY, REALLY do. I have to, but I want to, as well.
As much as I dislike certain aspects of AA, and as much as I dread having to attend meetings the rest of my life, I hate being a drunk even more. For some reason, I can’t get and stay sober on my own, so I will go back to AA, even though I’m so ashamed of myself, and dread having to go back in and admit that I’ve failed once again.
There is not a meeting close by until Thursday night. There is one on ** Road in ** tonight, but right now, I still can feel that I have alcohol in my system, so I wouldn’t want to drive, at least until it dissipates (I know how ironic that sounds, but when I’m sober, or at least mostly so, I do still have good judgment).
I don’t know why I’ve chosen this way to medicate myself, or this way to live. I don’t like it. I hate myself. I hate hurting you. Please try to believe this, and believe that I want to get better.
Update: He's read it, and I cried and told him how sorry I am, and that I know that doesn't mean anything. I told him not to trust me. I gave him my car keys and my ATM and credit cards, told him if I had money, or a way to get it, and car keys, I couldn't trust myself to not buy alcohol.
But you know what stinks? When he asked me if I still had alcohol anywhere in the house, I flat-out lied and said I'd dumped it all out.
The real reason I can't go to the meeting tonight?
I'll still be drunk.
4 comments:
Thanks so much for telling me that, Holly. For some reason, I had it in my head that you had to go in sober.
I'm still going to wait and go in Thursday, though. For a couple of reasons. One is that I'll run out of alchohol in a couple of hours from now, and since I relinquished my car keys, I can't buy more. Another is that for some really weird reason, I feel guilty about going in drunk, or when I've been drinking within the previous 24 hours.
I SO know this is crazy, irrational, alchoholic thinking, but that's where I'm at right now, so I have to go with this.
I can contact you via email so we can exhange numbers if that's okay with you.
It all begins with honesty, and you've begun that.
Probably a majority of people in any AA meeting have relapsed at one time or another. They all understand what you're going through. Never, NEVER, be ashamed of what God made you. You're an alcoholic. Deal with it.
Omigod -- when I say "hide the car keys," I don't mean put them in the pencil drawer of your desk!! I'm not blaming you, because this is completely MY FAULT, and I know that and accept responsibility for my actions and their consequences, but could you PLEASE not make it so f'in' easy????
First of all, don't be ashamed of yourself.
Second. You can go to a meeting drunk. "the only requirement for membership is a desire to to stop drinking." I believe you have the desire.
Third, you believe you are an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink until we get sober or die. AA can help you with the former.
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