Morning has come, and I feel shaky and scared.
All the doubts and what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads, whispering in their raspy, accusing voices.
"You've tried this how many times now?? — and you still haven't gotten it right."
"You're a loser."
"You can't do this."
"You're one of the unfortunates, one of the hopeless cases."
"You suck."
In one of the comments to the post prior to this one, Scott W. asked, "So, do you think this new sobriety date is a good one?"
My reply, in part, was:
"I think so. I'm seeing progress in my attitude and thinking, if not my actions so far. I don't think I've been as serious about doing this as I need to be, and I want to be serious about it. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and making excuses... I want the long-term, life-time change, and I think I'm ready to do the work to get it and get there."
Re-reading this response, I realized something. I've been ignoring one of the tenets of A.A., one of those "catch-phrases" that used to drive me crazy:
"Fake it before you make it."
I've been waiting for it to feel right, and for my thinking to change, and although I've been going to meetings in bursts of regularity, I haven't made a real, concerted, committed and serious effort to DO anything.
I'm not exactly sure what fake it before you make it means, but part of it seems to be, do the work, work the steps, get a sponsor, go to meetings REGULARLY and FREQUENTLY, read the Big Book, etc., etc., and your thinking and feelings will change as a result.
I've been trying to do it backwards, which may be part of the reason I keep failing.
Oh, golly, I feel calmer just having written that.
On to that gratitude list! Today, I'm grateful for:
- My higher power (in my case, God).
- Aha! moments.
- My husband.
- My friends in the meetings here.
- My blogging friends. Y'all are awesome beyond words!!!
- My sweet little (okay, he's 13 lbs) cat, Boots.
God, this morning I am filled with gratitude that you have helped me to see with new eyes, and that you've given me another day to live, and to start really doing the work of this program. Help me to be honest with myself and in my interactions and conversations with others. Help me to be kind and loving and to think before I speak and act.
8 comments:
It's taken me almost a year of "trying" to quit to actally quitting - not drinking AND doing the steps - I HAD to go through what I did to get here.
Persevere!
Oh honey, those voices are just your addict trying to trip you up. It's OK, those voices aren't YOU. You have soooooo nailed what's held me back too! That whole I don't FEEL like going to a meeting, don't FEEL like writing, don't FEEL like picking up the phone, etc. My whole life I've made choices based on how I FELT vs. what's right (a.k.a. God's will). For me, Little Miss Feelings, "fake it 'til you make it" means taking the right action regardless of how I FEEL. Remember to live in TODAY -- not tomorrow or forever. What can you do to help YOU today? Hugs & love -- you rock!
You're on the right track. Do all those things, especially when you don't want to. That is the action part that is required to make progress. Eventually, those things will come easier and naturally, if you don't fight them. And especially ... if you don't drink!! LOL
Hey there! Thanks for posting on my blog! Just wanted to say hi! I scanned through your last year or so of entries and just wanted to let you know that I can relate a lot to your story.
Fake it until you make it... yes indeed. Sounds like me for the last year and a half.
I hope that you make it, it sure looks like you know deep down what you need to do.
I like what I read.
In the beginning I knew that I had to constantly distract myself from thinking and thinking about drinking. Quick! Tell me how your earlobe feels? Aha! That required a shift in your attention. So it's WHAT you focus on....Back to my point. I said the Serenity Prayer thousands upon thousands of times a day. I wasn't much of a prayer person but I knew that if I forced myself into reciting something (anything...but if it was going to be anything, I might as well pray) to distract myself into not thinking or thinking about drinking. At first it was weird but a couple of weeks into it....well let's just say it worked for me. And if it worked for me, it certainly can work for you.
That's my two cents and keep on keepin' on.
Peace.
Action, action, action
You're getting honest with yourself. That is HUGE!
Like it says in How It Works: Rarely have we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path. That says a lot.
Just keep doing what others who have succeeded suggest and it will fall into place. And keep talking to other alcoholics. Talk to them until you are sick of talking, and then talk some more.
There is nothing we want for you more than to see you succeed. We know you can do it.
Yep, that's Boots, aka Boots-a-Rama, the Crown Prince of Kitty Drama. We don't have children, so he's our baby, and he absolutely rules!
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