Oops, I Did it Again

Despite the flippancy of the above post title, I'm admitting that I did, in fact, drink again.

Because, if I can't be honest here, there is no point in having this blog.

Actually, on Wednesday and Thursday, I experimented a little with vanilla extract (Note: it's yummy and makes you smell nice, but not much good as an intoxicant).

I didn't go to any meetings.

Finally, Friday evening, I went to the liquor store on my way to the grocery store, and bought a fifth of UV Citruv, plus two mini bottles (I think some people call them "nips"), one each of Absolut Raspberri and Absolut Apeach. I drank both the mini bottles, plus about half of the UV Citruv.

Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling too bad, but as the morning wore on, I began to feel worse and worse. The bad thing is, we had prospective buyers coming to look at the house at 11:30, and while I'd managed to get both bathrooms cleaned before getting too drunk the night before, I still had to dust and vacuum all the other rooms, plus make pumpkin bread and a pumpkin butter/cream cheese spread, both of which I had to mix by hand since we'd already taken my Kitchen Aid down to Florida.

So, in between cooking and cleaning, I was having to stop and throw up about every 15 minutes. I finally stopped doing that around 10:00 AM by sheer will power, because I didn't want to throw up again after I'd brushed my teeth. Fun stuff.

I'm actually grateful for the hangover, because THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS I WANT TO STOP DRINKING!!! Even while it was going on, I was thinking, "Good. I'm glad I feel like crap. This is what it feels like when you keep doing this shit."

My husband had discovered where I'd stashed the rest of the vodka (he's getting much smarter -- I had put it in a Dasani water bottle in the 'fridge, where I've hidden it numerous times before) and had put salted water in instead (he thinks this is very clever, but I just find it irritating and infantile), so the temptation was out of the house. I know that had the vodka still been there, I would have had a drink just to make myself less sick, and then that starts another cycle, so I'm grateful he'd dumped it out.

I didn't go to a meeting last night, but I'm going to one tonight.

The odd thing is that I didn't hesitate at all once I'd made up my mind to buy the liquor, and I didn't feel anything when I was buying it -- not guilt, not shame, and not remorse.

Just flat.

That kinda scares me, because I would have thought with over 2 weeks without a drink, I would have had more of an internal alarm going off.

It just makes me really that much more aware of how I can't start blowing off meetings. If I'd gotten my butt to a meeting Wednesday, I would have gotten over the wanting-to-drink feeling for that day, and then I could have handled Thursday when it came, and so on.

I'm not beating myself up about this. I know some people begin AA and never relapse. I wish that were me, but it's not. I think I'm going to get it, and very soon, but if I beat myself up, I'll be too ashamed to go back to AA, and I need AA desperately right now.

I'm just really thankful that I know that now, because in the past, I quickly got to a point where I didn't want to go to AA, and tried to believe that I didn't need AA. I'm not at that point now, so even though I'm still relapsing, I think a little IS starting to sink in.

I just don't want to have to take that damn white chip again. Not here, anyway. We move to Florida for good on August 18th. I'm going to go to meetings every day I possibly can between now and then, and I'm determined not to drink again during this time, but I think I'll wait and take the white chip again once we get down there.

A Slightly Odd Gratitude List:

• Hangovers, because they remind me of part of the reason I want to quit drinking.


• That my husband found the rest of the vodka and dumped it out.


• That I admitted to my husband that I'd drunk (although he already knew -- it's still important for me to confess it to him).


• It's Sunday, so I can't buy alcohol (even if I wanted to).


• That I haven't gotten back to that place where I dislike AA.


• That I realize I desperately need AA, and want to go to a meeting tonight.


• That while relapsing isn't good, it IS normal, and it doesn't mean I've ultimately failed.


• That I'm realizing that for me, sobriety is a journey, and that while I may be stumbling now, I'm still in the beginning stages, and I WILL get to a point where I walk steadily on, as long I continue to have an open heart and mind, and can embrace the program.


• That the only requirment to join AA is to have a DESIRE to stop drinking.


• That I do have that desire to stop drinking.


• For this place, where I can spill my guts and not be judged. Thanks for the reminder, Jessica, that I'm not writing for an audience. I'm writing because I need a place to be honest and real.