The Truth Hurts

Funny...

I think of myself still looking so young and cute...

...until I see an actual photo of myself, and then have to face the reality of the Onward, Relentless March of Time (and photoaging!).

I still feel so young, both in body and attitude.

I’m definitely still young at heart!

*Sigh*

It hardly seems fair.

Just when I’ve started to get it together...

...I’ve no longer got it goin’ on!

(And what the hell is up with those white legs???  Somebody get out the bronzer, QUICK!!)

Damn.

I knew I should have quit smoking sooner!

Pathway to Peace

Did you know the Serenity Prayer we pray in every meeting has a lot more than the 3 lines we usually pray?  I didn't know, until I became involved in Celebrate Recovery, where we pray the prayer in its entirety.

It goes on from those 3 familiar lines to say:

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace...

Since I quit smoking 3 1/2 weeks ago, I haven't had a way to burn off the energy from stress, frustration and disappointment.

Yes, I've been blogging more, and in the beginning, I journaled a lot more as well.

But, this is just a means of emotional release.  An opportunity to acknowledge and confront the real problems and issues and work through them instead of just going and grabbing a cigarette and isolating myself on the porch while I puff away whatever emotional upheaval results.

But, because I'm not physically doing something, that negative emotional energy, or the residue of it has still been there.

So, last week, I decided it was time to give running a try again, something that has worked for me well in the past, and an activity I've been missing for a long time now.

Yesterday, I ran 3.13 miles.

This is my physical release, my time for clearing my mind, focusing on my breathing and my pace.  My physical Pathway to Peace.

Thy Will (Not Mine)

By this past Tuesday, when Roy had still heard nothing from the people with whom he interviewed for the Mississippi boy, he finally emailed the person who coordinated everything.

He received a response Wednesday stating they definitely want to hire him and are planning to make an offer.

Then came the salary expectation inquiry.

They are prepared to offer a figure much lower than Roy was expecting, although it was right in line with what I expected it to be.  Roy is having difficulty understanding and accepting that changing career directions, being in grad school for the past 7 years, and being a missionary for the 7 years prior to that means that he is now considered an entry level position candidate, with the corresponding pay scale.

This particular position is NOT entry level.  The position actually is perfect for his level of knowledge and experience and is in the field he has prepared for over the past 4 years.  The ONLY thing wrong with it is the salary, which is based on the level of funding available, rather than someone's belief  that he deserves no more than entry level compensation.

He  has taken the low offer very personally,though,  interpreting it as a personal affront and insult.  I read the entire email discussion, and it seems to me that they were trying to be fair and reasonable, and to offer him the highest salary they could given the constraints of funding approval, a current hiring and pay-increase freeze, etc., etc.

I suggested he hold off until the next morning before responding.  I pointed out to Roy that, although I completely understood how demoralizing the low offer was, that it was not meant as a personal insult to him.  I encouraged him to take the time he needed, but to try to separate his emotions from the business transaction, which is what this is.

He was able to compose a new response.  It was succinct and professional, stating his position, while leaving the door open.  Shortly after sending it, he received a reply stating that they would try to negotiate a somewhat higher figure before making a formal offer.

The proposed higher figure is still not the salary Roy would like and is not even close to his expectations of the general job market.  But it's realistic, it's doable for us, especially once I find a job and begin working as well.

And, except for the salary, it's his dream job, the goal for which he's been preparing so long and toward which he's worked so diligently.

So again, we're waiting for the next step, for them to actually make Roy a firm offer.  All we can do at this is point is to wait, hope and pray.

My prayer is that Roy will be offered the position at the slightly higher pay level, that he will accept the position, and that we'll shortly be moving to Mississippi.  As long as that is God's will for us.

I am also praying for God's will to be made clear to us, and if that means none of this comes to fruition, that I can accept the outcome graciously, trustingly, and with the sure expectation that God has something even better planned for us, and that His purpose for us will be revealed.

Kind of an exciting place to be.

Thy will be done.

Week Three and Smoke Free

It's hard to believe it's now 3 weeks since I've smoked, or will be by about 1:45 this afternoon.

In some ways, the time now lapsed seems interminably longer, and in some ways, incomprehensibly shorter.

I am STILL having cravings from time to time, some days more frequently than others.  I KNOW it's not really a physical urge anymore -- wasn't after 3 days, so I'm told -- but it damn sure FEELS physical when it's happening, and on the "bad" days, all I can do is grit my teeth and white knuckle my way through it nanosecond by nanosecond.

Hmmmm...  Sounds familiar to us alcoholics, doesn't it?  One day at a time, indeed.

I have SOOOO much more I want to share with all my faithful non-readers, but am going to keep this post short, as it is now 8:15 AM and already getting hot, Hot, HOT and I want to try going for a short run.

So, toodles for now -- more later!  (I know y'all can't wait!!)

P.S.  Mary Christine, summer may be on it's way out in Denver, but it's just crankin' up here in Hollywood, FL!

P.P.S My husband, The Engineer, whom I had to ask if nanosecond was one word, just informed me that a nanosecond is one-billionth of a second, to which I replied, "Well, then it's DEFINITELY the right word!"

Stealing a Moment

So, I am totally writing this while at work. I’m having to do it first in MS Word, at the bottom of a document we update daily, hoping that I won’t be caught by my bosses.

I feel a little guilty, but probably not guilty enough. Yeah, it’s wasting their time, i.e., their money so to speak; but on the other side of things, how many countless hours have I put in after hours and never asked for, nor expected compensation?

OK -- so I DO feel guilty.

However, we are very slow at the moment, and now that I'm only working 2 days a week (on the other Admin’s days off) about the only things I can do right now are to 1) follow up on a few items, which I WILL do, or 2) filing, which I am LOATH to do.

I'm glad to be at work now that I'm here. Gets me out of the house, and able to focus on something other than eating and obsessing about my weight.

Speaking of which, number on the scale was 2 pounds higher this morning than it was yesterday!!

And I ate hardly ANYTHING yesterday.

It’s hard not to get discouraged, but I really don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made with this effort to quit smoking, and I really do need to stay on the Hormone Replacement Therapy, which I just started this month.

At the end of this first month, my gynecologist is going to have me reduce my estrogen to half the dosage she now has me on. It’s delivered transdermally, via a gel I apply nightly, so the plan is for me to apply it only every other night after the first month is over.

I am also taking a progesterone supplement, but will only do that for the first 12 days of each month. I suspect that the sudden rapid weight gain over the last few days has something to do with having begun the latter this past Monday evening (I forgot to fill the prescription Sunday). If it is, toward the middle of the month, I should get rid of any excess fluid it's causing me to retain.

Of course, it may not BE just fluid retention.

So, I’m also going to start monitoring what I eat, and try to start eating more healthily.

And I also want to begin exercising some.

I know I need to start out slowly.

Little goals. Baby steps. Little by Little. Easy Does It.

Hard for an alcoholic to do.

Recovering or otherwise.

2:43 AM and Wide Awake

I slept until 1:30 PM today, so I guess it should be no surprise I'm still wide awake. And it wouldn't bother me, except I have to get up and go to work tomorrow -- or rather THIS morning.

I am SO not looking forward to work either. I hate going in now. Somehow, it's much harder now that I'm only working 2 days a week. Once I get there, it will be fine. I'll just have to keep drinking coffee and Red Bull and eating protein.

Which will be good for my weight, at least.

I've gotten SOOOO fat. I haven't really gained that much weight, but it's the TYPE of weight, and where it's going, and the fact that I'm so lethargic and getting absoulutely NO exercise that makes it so bad.. I've really only gained between 2 to 3 pounds, but because I'm so short and small boned, and because it's flab added on top of  flab, it looks and feels like 10 pounds.

And not just to me.  I went in to Ann Taylor on Saturday to return some items, and tried on a couple of things, and Thelma, my  sales person, said in as nice a way as possible that nothing seemed to be fitting me as it normally did.  What she DIDN'T say was that it was because my gut has gotten so big.

I don't know if it's JUST that I'm eating so much more and the wrong kinds of food, or if the HRT is contributing to the weight gain, or it could be that the HRT is contributing to my constant hunger and cravings for sweets and starches, or if it's quitting smoking that's causing me to want to eat all the time, or WHAT.  I tried cutting down on my Chantix because I know it bloats me and makes me constipated, but now I'm craving cigarettes again, so I've had to step up the dosage on it again.

All I know is I'm fat, I'm anxious, I want a cigarette, and I'm WIDE AWAKE.

Wide awake and exhausted.

I've GOT to start running. I know it will make me feel better emotionally, it will give me more energy, and will inspire me to start eating right as well.  And it will help me to SLEEP.

And I'm still depressed. Not as bad, but it's still definitely here, no doubt contributing to the mindless eating, making me want to smoke, making me wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, etc., etc.

I am NOT suicidal. I just hate my life and am too damn lazy to do what I know needs to be done for it to change.

I haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks. Haven't been to a meeting in months. Haven't gone to Celebrate Recovery in probably 3 weeks.

I am in relapse mode and so close to picking up a drink, and yet I'm oblivious to that fact. I don't FEEL as if I want to drink, but when I analyze my behavior, my emotions, and my mindset, I KNOW that picking up a drink or a pill if I could get my hands on one is logically and inevitably the next step.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. If I leave work on time, I can go to my women's meeting.

I have to. I have to start somewhere.

And I have to do it now, today.