Hey, everyone! Sorry about the lack of postiness.
Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).
Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!
Will post pics when I get them.
I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.
Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Surrender
Surrender.
It's a word we use a lot in AA.
Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."
I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.
Last night my understanding of surrender grew.
A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.
I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.
Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.
That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.
I chose the third option.
It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.
I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.
It's a word we use a lot in AA.
Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."
I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.
Last night my understanding of surrender grew.
A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.
I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.
Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.
That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.
I chose the third option.
It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.
I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
120 Days
Yay me.
I'm excited about the 120 days.
Really.
I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.
Pardon me for a sec.
*Ahem*
Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!
There. That's better.
(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)
P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).
Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D
I'm excited about the 120 days.
Really.
I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.
Pardon me for a sec.
*Ahem*
Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!
There. That's better.
(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)
P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).
Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Blogger's Pushing My Buttons
I'm so frustrated with Blogger right now. I know this is NOT A BIG DEAL, but it's just making me feel depressed and angry. Probably tapping into all my control issues (and yes, I have quite a few).
I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.
Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.
Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.
I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.
This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*
I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.
Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.
Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.
I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.
This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*
If It Ain't Broke...
Okay, so I made the switch, and upgraded my template to one of the "layout" versions, where you can drop and drag stuff, and change the font colors and page elements, etc.
All good, lotsa fun, etc.
Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.
Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?
I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.
I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?
I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
*Sigh*
Saturday Gratitudes
All good, lotsa fun, etc.
Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.
Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?
I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.
I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?
I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
*Sigh*
Saturday Gratitudes
- Right now, this is the worst of my problems.
- Skiing in Vail is only a week away!!!
- Great fellowship with my church homegroup (not AA) last night.
- Great meetings (AA) this week.
- A speaker meeting to look forward to later today.
- So far, I've not been struck with the cold and flu crud everyone else is getting (knock on wood).
- Getting healthier and stronger, mentally, physically and spiritually.
- My metabolism finally kicking into a higher gear.
- My sweet hubby.
- My (mostly) sweet kitty-kat.
- Awesome blogging peeps.
- Awesome RL peeps.
- AA offers us a solution.
- God never gives up on us or abandons us.
- Relief from frustration and stress is only as far away as my knees and my Nikes.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Nike Time
Okay, time to just do it.
For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.
So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.
I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).
Here goes nothing...
UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???
UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....
UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)
For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.
So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.
I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).
Here goes nothing...
UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???
UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....
UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
True Confessions
I have a confession to make.
I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."
I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?
I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.
The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.
Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.
Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.
When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."
I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.
So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.
I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.
I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.
I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.
But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.
So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.
I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."
I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?
I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.
The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.
Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.
Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.
When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."
I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.
So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.
I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.
I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.
I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.
But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.
So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.
Ode to a Cupcake Monkey
There once was a girl named Tab,
Who authored a blog that was fab!
It got to be too much
(What with work and such);
Now Tab has no time to gab.
Farewell, our little (((Cupcake Monkey)))! You will be greatly missed by all of us who have come to know and love you (Boots is so broken up, he's comatose). Come back to the blogosphere whenever you have a chance.
We'll be saving you a seat.
MUAH! MUAH! xoxo
Monday, January 01, 2007
January 1, 2007
A new year.
The first year out of the last several that I haven't had to make a resolution to stop drinking, because I stopped 114 days ago, and I'm seeing that being sober is a very good thing, and infinitely better than continuing to drink.
So, as I stop a moment and take inventory, what DO I want to accomplish, what goals DO I want to achieve this year?
I'm so thankful for this gift of sober living. I'm grateful that I have good meetings to go to. I'm grateful for people I can call, who understand and talk me through a bad moment, or a bad day. I'm grateful that I have a husband who loves me enough to not bring alcohol into my presence, and who was happy to toast the new year in with apple juice and lemon-lime seltzer. I'm grateful that God is working in me, and is changing my attitudes and thought patterns, even my desires. I'm thankful that I started this new year with no hangover, and no panic, remorse or regret over what I did last night. I'm grateful that things worked out for a friend to house-sit for us while we were away, so that my sweet little Boots was well cared for and loved, and that Boots has finally forgiven us for going away. I'm grateful for a new year, a fresh, blank slate, as Mary Christine so eloquently stated.
I'm grateful for you, my wonderful blogging friends. May 2007 be a magnificent year for all of you—for all of us!!
The first year out of the last several that I haven't had to make a resolution to stop drinking, because I stopped 114 days ago, and I'm seeing that being sober is a very good thing, and infinitely better than continuing to drink.
So, as I stop a moment and take inventory, what DO I want to accomplish, what goals DO I want to achieve this year?
- To continue getting healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually.
- To begin focusing more on others.
- To rediscover what my passions are, and to pursue them, or at least begin to pursue them.
- To never, ever take for granted all that God has given me: friends, support, family, love, and health (just to name a few).
I'm so thankful for this gift of sober living. I'm grateful that I have good meetings to go to. I'm grateful for people I can call, who understand and talk me through a bad moment, or a bad day. I'm grateful that I have a husband who loves me enough to not bring alcohol into my presence, and who was happy to toast the new year in with apple juice and lemon-lime seltzer. I'm grateful that God is working in me, and is changing my attitudes and thought patterns, even my desires. I'm thankful that I started this new year with no hangover, and no panic, remorse or regret over what I did last night. I'm grateful that things worked out for a friend to house-sit for us while we were away, so that my sweet little Boots was well cared for and loved, and that Boots has finally forgiven us for going away. I'm grateful for a new year, a fresh, blank slate, as Mary Christine so eloquently stated.
I'm grateful for you, my wonderful blogging friends. May 2007 be a magnificent year for all of you—for all of us!!
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