That Old Familiar Feeling

It's starting again.

That "maybe something is not quite right with AA" feeling.

The sense of dread when I think about having to go to meetings for the rest of my life.

The whisper at the edge of my mind that I need to figure out why I drink, and what triggers an "episode," which then launches the relapse, if I really, truly want to be sober.

Sure, I can go to a meeting and not drink.

I can do this one day at a time.

I don't want my life to be like this, though.

I want to get to the point where alcohol is no longer an issue.

I haven't smoked pot in over 20 years. I've NEVER had a relapse with marijuana. And I was addicted to it even worse than I was alcohol. I just never went back once I made the decision to quit. I knew I was ruining my life and my health through my continued addiction, so I quit. It wasn't easy at first. I still have the occasional dream where I'm smoking, and it feels good, but when I wake up, I'm so relieved that it's only a dream.

If I could do it with pot, can't I do it with alcohol? Just make the decision, and turn my back on it. Struggle the first year or so, but then, gradually, I'll begin to think less and less about it, and eventually, it will no longer be part of my conscious thought . . . I wonder.

I just hate feeling like I'm becoming part of "the cult of AA."

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Something kinda cool is happening: I'm finding other people in my very small neighborhood (about 100 houses) that are in "The Program." I knew about one already, because she's the lady I've asked to be my sponsor (which she's agreed to do, BTW).

Yesterday, my sponsor called me and asked me if I'd be okay with her giving my name to another girl in the neighborhood, who I've met, but don't know very well. I told her it was fine, and I assumed she was "brand new" (i.e., has been sober even less time than I have).

I went ahead and called her (which, if you knew me, you'd know that was very hard for me to do) a few minutes ago to see if she wanted to go to a meeting with me tonight (she does), and we talked for about 10 minutes. Turns out, she's been sober about 3 months, but it was SO easy to talk to her. We really connected.

Maybe this sounds crazy, but I'm so excited to be finding fellow alkies within my own neighborhood. It just underscores so much that we are definitely not alone in this fight!

Gotta go and get ready for the meeting. Later.

Motivations

I keep reading comments on other blogs of people who are still struggling with the whole surrender thing (as I am, still), which urge the blogger to "Do it for you, not someone else." I understand what's at the heart of this advice, basically that you have to want to get better for you, your life and your sanity (and your relationships will naturally improve as a result), and I know this is true, but something someone said at the meeting I attended Monday night really struck me.

The woman at the meeting said, that when she had just begun her recovery process, her sponsor asked her how in the world she could do this for herself, when she hated herself more than anyone else. Her sponsor encouraged her to do it for WHATEVER reason worked.

I was sitting there, still hungover from my "last hurrah" binge, and outright despising myself. Tears just rolled down my face at her words, because they resonated so deeply with where I was in that moment.

Sometimes, I think we do have to do it for someone else, or some reason other than ourselves. Ultimately, it becomes for ourselves that we do what it takes, but if I need to get to a meeting, and I don't feel like it, and don't want to do it for me in that moment, I hope I can do it because I don't want to hurt my husband again, or embarrass my friends in public again, or avoid seeing my mother on Mother's Day and hurting her feelings again.

I'm not saying I want the opinions and affections of others to be my motivation, at least not most of the time, but I think it is part of the reason, and it has to be, because when we get in a place where we're craving alcohol, or craving release from pain or stress, the old voice kicks in so quickly and so powerfully that I'm not even aware of it until I've already started planning to fail again, and then it's too late, because I don't care about me; I just care about getting drunk.

Tuesday Thankfulness

Today, I'm thankful for:

1. The lady who I've asked to consider becoming my sponsor asked me to call her and wants me to go with her to a meeting tonight. She has 20+ years of sobriety, and is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. I am SO psyched!!


2. There's a meeting to go to tonight.


3. The meeting last night.


4. That there's enough to do before the meeting, that I won't get bored or depressed. AND that there's no alcohol in the house, even if I did get bored or depressed!


5. My husband's support in this.


6. The support here among sobriety/recovery bloggers. You ALL rock!!!


7. The AA Big Book. Wow!


8. New beginnings.


9. First steps.


10. HP.

New Sobriety Date

My new sobriety date is today, May 15, 2006. Here's hoping it's also my last one (meaning I'll stick with it this time).

Well, I screwed up my courage and did the walk of shame tonight. Everyone was great. Most of the people there admitted to having relapsed before. So many of our stories are similar.

I'm SO grateful for AA. I just wish I didn't have this empty, sick feeling. I think it's because I was supposed to have stopped drinking last week, but my husband went out of town from last Wednesday until tonight, and of course, the first thing I did was to go out and buy more booze. I basically stayed drunk from Wednesday afternoon until last night. Totally missed Mother's Day, and haven't been able to get up my nerve to call my Mom and apologize.

Last night, I had drunk so much, I vomited until I got the dry heaves. This morning I was so weak and shaky, and my skin hurt, if that makes sense, plus it looked burnt. No telling how many brain cells I've killed.

The part that makes me so ashamed, though, is how I lied and deceived my husband again, and so far, I haven't gotten up the courage to tell him. I also feel like a really rotten daughter, and my Mom shouldn't have to suffer just because I'm ashamed.

This is the sickest disease, because it hurts so many people. I just want to get well and to stop screwing up my life, and the lives of the people I love.

Grateful

Right now I'm grateful for:

1. Other recovery blogs and bloggers who understand and encourage me and others like me.


2. My husband's willingness to give me one more chance. Again.


3. My sweet, patient, loving husband.


4. That I can go back to AA, even though it will be hard to go into that first meeting where I have to admit screwing up to everyone, as well as to myself.


5. AA.


6. God, and his love and forgiveness.

Eating Humble Pie (It's Better than Drinking, Right?)

I appreciate so much the comments some of you have made, and the fact that you haven't preached at me, but have pointed out what I've known in my heart, but have been trying to ignore on an emotional and intellectual level.

I can't do this on my own. I don't even have the desire or the will to do it, especially by myself. I have to get back into AA, even though I still have reservations about some of the clichés and rhetoric and rituals that go along with it. I'm also put off by a few of the people I've met there (it's such a diverse group that there are just some people that rub me the wrong way, and I know I probably rub a few the wrong way, too).

But you know what the real truth is? I can't stand the thought of having to face the reality that I can never drink again if I truly want to beat the hold that alcohol has on me, and the way I'm letting it control me and ruin my life.

Because deep down—and I know I'm not alone in this—I want to be a person who can drink “normally,” even though I KNOW this isn't possible EVER. I still want it, though. How do I make this transformation from what I know intellectually, to what I believe, and embrace, and desire??

But maybe, that's not what is important right now.

Gratitude Lists

When I visit the blogs of other people struggling to conquer the hold alcohol has on so many of us, I notice they usually will have either as a post in itself, or as part of a longer post, a listing of what they're grateful for. This must be an AA thing that I never stuck it out long enough to get to. I'm curious to know what gratitude has to do with not drinking. Maybe counting your blessings, and realizing that life doesn't completely suck? I'll have to check out my Big Book (yes, I have one) and see if it's in there.

Keeping this short, because I need to get to bed. Anyhow, I'll give it a shot.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. That my cat didn't get eaten by a coyote (he was out really late, and we have a coyote problem around here, so I was pretty worried).



2. That my client seems happy with the work I've done.



3. That I won't wake up with a hangover tomorrow.



4. That I can snuggle up to my husband when I crawl into bed, and won't have to worry about not breathing on him so he won't smell the alcohol on my breath (although we actually each had a beer with our pizza at dinner, so I probably do have a little still on my breath, but it's okay because we drank the beer together, and that's all I've had).

I'm too tired to come up with anything better.

Comfortably (??) Numb

I really don't feel much like posting, but do feel I need to do something by way of an update, anyway.

I went skiing again in the last week of March, and the week before that and the next 2 weeks after, I had to work like crazy to get a client's site finished up and launched.

I've been doing okay to good in the sobriety department, but mostly because 1) I don't tend to drink very much when I'm working, and when my husband is around consistently, and 2) the week I went skiing in March, I started having some very weird physiological occurrences that scared the crap out of me, i.e. rather chronic numbness/tingling in my fingers -- my hands would go to sleep about 5 minutes after I woke up and would stay that way for a good 10 to 15 minutes, and then I'd have several pronounced episodes throughout the day, as well, and just a general, constant mild numbness. I finally googled my symptoms and guess what one of the causes for numbness in the extremities, or peripheral neuropathy is??

You got it. Alcoholism.

This is what one of the articles I found says:

Peripheral neuropathy often affects people with diabetes and autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. Certain vitamin deficiencies, some medications and alcoholism can also damage peripheral nerves.

So, anyway, that kinda dampened my enthusiasm for tying one on. I'm not saying I've had zero alcohol since then, but I can count the number of drinks I've had on one hand (4 beers to be exact, and each on separate occasions, and not in secret).

I've realized that when I'm not drinking to get drunk on a regular basis, I just replace that behavior with other coping mechanisms that aren't too healthy, either, such as staying up all night working on websites, and surfing the internet. It's freakin' 4:10 A.M., and I've got to get to bed, but I've just gotten my day completely turned around. Last night/this morning (it's all your perspective, right?), I literally went to bed after my husband got up.

What's really more than a little ironic is that the main reason I drink is to numb myself emotionally. I don't want to, or I think I can't face whatever it is that's stressing me or depressing me, or both, so I drink to escape the reality of the stress and/or depression, even though the root of it is still going to be there, and probably bigger and uglier, in the morning, or when the booze wears off.

I think I also drink to make my husband aware that something is affecting me negatively, because it's the one thing that really seems to get his attention. I don't do it on a conscious level, but I think the motive is there, beneath the surface, and it's based in the unspoken resentment I have toward his self-absorption, and his inability or refusal to see my pain, or my struggle.

I've got more I need to write about, so hopefully, I'll do that tomorrow, and not keep all this crap bottled up inside. It really does help just to put it into words. At least then I'm forced to think through things a little bit, and maybe even begin to face the reality of what all that thinking reveals.

'Nite!

Skiing and Sobriety

I just got back from a glorious week, skiing in Colorado. It had been more than 15 years since I'd been skiing, and I was pleasantly amazed at how it all came back to me. I took a refresher course, too, so I'm totally pumped now!

Unfortunately, it wasn't such a good week for me in the sobriety department. Not only did I not tell anyone on the trip with me that I have a problem with alcohol, but I chose to drink every day, and to excess on two occasions.

If I had just made the decision not to drink without making a big deal about it, that would have been okay.

Or even if I had said to my friend who invited me, "Hey, I am trying to go alcohol-free this year," that would have been cool.

No one was pressuring me to drink.

I just did because it was an opportunity to do it and get away with it, since neither my husband, nor any friends I've shared my problem with were on the trip.

The opportunity didn't sneak up on me, either. I thought about it for weeks before. This would be a chance for me to drink without censure.

I know I should be feeling ashamed and guilty, but I'm just feeling numb about it at this point.

I don't feel good about it, but I'm not sure I want to think that much about it at all. Because to do so will mean having to make choices I don't feel ready to make right now.

Brutally Honest

It's time I came clean about a something. I've been sober for 10 weeks now, EXCEPT that I have had an alcoholic beverage on two occasions during that time. On November 4th, I had about six ounces of "mulled" wine that had actually been boiled, and definitely did not have any alcoholic punch left in it. And, on December 3, I had about 4 ounces of a very weak Bloody Mary.

I didn't get drunk.

I didn't drink to excess.

Heck, I didn't even get a buzz.

But, I drank.

I had an opportunity to make an informed, intelligent and rational choice, and on both occasions, I chose to do the one thing that I know I have no business doing.

Knowing this fact, and knowing what it implies about my resolve and inner strength scares the crap out of me.

And this is where AA would say I need to just not drink today and go to a meeting.

There is a great deal of validity in the simplicity of that approach, because at least during the time you're on your way to and at the meeting, you're thinking about not drinking and consciously, actively choosing not to drink, and you're encouraged and supported by people who truly understand how hard that can be.

The problem with this approach by itself is that it doesn't help me in confronting and conquering what is there that motivates me to make a decision I know is so harmful to myself and to others.

And I think that's the key.

If I can get a handle on that, I think eventually I'll not WANT to drink.

Sigh . . . (expletives deleted)

I'm f***ing depressed. When I'm depressed, it tends to come out from time to time as irrational anger, even rage. Or, I just become emotionally paralyzed or constantly weepy, walking around with a sadness so profound that my throat chronically aches and I feel as if I have a physical weight pressing me down.

I can't do anything to fix a lot of the things that are at the root of the depression. So I'm even more depressed, and growing despondent and anxious. I just want not to feel this way. If I can't fix what's wrong, I just want to make the feelings stop.

Drinking really works. I don't want to drink (I do want to, but I don't want to start that cycle up again). I need another way to deal with this that feels as good or is as numbing as drinking.

Please don't tell me this is a spiritual issue and that I need to find God. I know God. I have a relationship with God (even though it's pretty dead right now). I can't touch God and I can't see God, though. I can talk to him, but I might as well talk to the wall.

What I need is for my husband to not keep going to school, but to get a real job making real money so that we can get the house fixed and buy the furniture we need and get my dissolving fillings in my teeth replaced. What I need is not to feel that I'm waiting for my life to start up again, like I'm just living in a state of limbo or "hold" right now. This was supposed to last 2 years, and we're now entering the third year, and he's applying for a damn PhD program now.

This came out yesterday when I lost it and told him I was sick and tired of him being in school and that if he didn't get a real job I was going to divorce him. Of course, he just chalked this up to frustration and hormones on my part. So, I know I'm just holding this in, but this is how I really feel, and if I try to tell him this rationally, he'll just see it as my being non-supportive.

*Sigh*

Note: Edited to delete f-bombs -- that's just not me, unless I'm really ballistic, and it's sure not something I want anyone I know IRL to stumble across and read, and think "Hmmmm . . . Didn't know she had such a potty mouth!" I do, but only when I'm raging. (How sad is it that I don't care if people know I'm a bitchy hormonal drunk, but I do care if they know I can cuss like a sailor?)

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I'm feeling restless, apprehensive, and generally dissatisfied, and personal history proves that this is a very dangerous place for me to be sobriety-wise, as I tend not to recognize that such uneasiness often precedes a relapse or binge (as applicable per case). And I just hit week 7, so I don't want to blow it. (Yes, that's right, folks . . . 7 continuous, beautiful weeks of S-O-B-R-I-E-T-Y!!!)

A lot of this current apprehension stems from the fact that I'm not happy in my most recently chosen fields of work. I LOVE the creative aspects of web design, and I find the challenge of learning how to do the things I visualize to be very stimulating. But, I HATE the way clients are never quite satisfied, or how their expectations turn out to be completely different from what they tell you they want at the initial consultation and even after they sign off on the written proposal, or how they expect you to keep doing general maintenance and updating their sites for free indefinitely (um, can you say "reality check?").

I have found a magic little phrase, though, that tends to stop them dead in their tracks when they want me to do "one more little thing." This is it. You'll want to take notes.

Me:I'll be happy to do that, but I'll have to invoice that as a separate item and bill it at my hourly rate.
Client: [Silence]
Me: Hello? Are you still there?
Client: [Clears throat] Uh, let's hold off on doing that for now. I'll get back to you on it later.

Problem solved.

My other "career venture" is not even worth mentioning, except to note that it is stressing me out more than it's doing anything else, and I should probably cut my losses and get out before I get in too deep.

Yes, it's a multi-level marketing plan, a pyramid scheme, whatever you want to call it.

No, it's not Amway.

Yes, I'm unbelievably stupid and gullible to have gotten suckered into it.

Oh, you'd like more information? Let me tell you about this wonderful opportunity to be your own boss and earn over $1,000 a month while working only 6 hours a week . . .

Woo-Hoo! I'm Syndicated, Baby!

Got this in an email today:

Congratulations!!!

Our editors have selected your newsfeed to be featured in one of our Top 10 Sources sites. You can view the site that features your site by clicking here:
http://womens-health.TopTenSources.com/TopTenSources/

So, at first I'm thinking it's a hoax, and I won't click on anything, but then I googled the TopTenSources.com bit, got to the site, and actually found where I was listed, so it's not a hoax.

I have mixed emotions about this, mainly because this was my semi-private blog, and I express a lot of emotions and talk candidly about a lot of stuff in it that I don't want to have come back up IRL and bite me in the butt. So the paranoid part of me is going, "Ooooh. Not a good thing for the secrecy and privacy issues."

But, to be perfectly honest, another part of me is going "Yeah, Baby! You're on the radar now!"

How shallow is that?

5 Weeks and Counting . . .

Maybe it's not a good thing to count. I've been sober for over 5 weeks now (it was 5 weeks Wednesday), but I haven't been to AA for over 3 weeks, so I'm a little scared that I'm being too complacent, and that by doing nothing, I'm setting myself up for a relapse. SO . . . I'm going to kick myself in the butt and make sure I get to a meeting Monday (I really like that meeting - it's the all women, small group thing).

I'm not really jonesing for a drink, but I still get that little mumps-gland twinge when I see wine at the grocery store, or see ads for cocktail mixers or cocktail recipes, so I know I'm just fooling myself and playing with fire not to keep going to meetings.

I have to admit, though, that part of why I don't like going is that there seems to be this attitude of "you can't do this without us," and while I think there's a ton of strength in the form of encouragement, support, and solidarity and the ability to be candid and totally honest, AA is not the be-all and end-all of a person's ability to stay sober. I know I'm flirting with danger here, kinda appearing to be heading off in the I-can-freakin'-do-this-on-my-own territory, but there is a balance. Yes, AA is a wonderful resource, but there's a lot to be said for finding the strength we have within, too. They are not mutually exclusive, but what bugs me about AA is that AA tends to ignore or deny the element of individual, personal strength, ability, and determination that I think has to go hand-in-hand with the decision to not drink and stay on the path of recovery.

That's all I've got to say about that, at least for now. I've been really busy with a new "career" venture, which is the main reason I haven't been going to meetings or posting, but I'm starting to become a little discouraged in that arena, so I know I have to really be on my guard right now.

They Shoot Chipmunks, Don't They?

This is not a menopause or sobriety post. This is a I'm-so-freaked-out-because-my-adorable-little-cat-keeps-bringing-in-adorable-little-chipmunks-and-maiming-them post.

Seriously. I don't know what to do. Someone suggested I put the panel back in the pet door so that when he tries to come in, I'll hear him and I can go look to see if he's got a chipmunk and not let him if he does. That's great, except - what if I'm in the shower, or on the phone, or in the bathroom? I don't want him to get the idea that when he's outside, home is not the place he can always return to. I've worked hard to make him feel that this is his safe place, and I don't want to start deterring him from coming home.

On the other hand, I don't know how many more chipmunks with paralyzed back legs (I'm guessing a broken spine) I can take, or worse (for us, anyway) not finding one until it a) dies behind a wall and starts stinking, or b) has a litter in my pantry.

And, as much as I think chipmunks are second only to bunnies in the cute rodent category, they ARE rodents (I don't really count bunnies as rodents, but I guess they really are when it comes to poop pellets and babies and cat-appeal).

There's also the whole issue of letting Boots know I appreciate his hunting prowess, while attempting to discourage his bringing me his trophies. I don't want to punish him for being a cat, but according to my latest calculations, he has bagged the following: a baby rabbit, a baby bird, a humming bird, a gazillion butterflies, cicadas, and grasshoppers, and at least 5 chipmunks. Oh, and earthworms. Apparently, he's taking the early bird metaphor literally.

Taking the Plunge

Well, I did it. I finally got up my nerve to go to AA. Or, rather, things finally got so bad that I finally realized I can't do this sobriety thing by myself, which is one reason I keep screwing it up.

I was pleasantly amazed. I felt very welcome, and very much like I had plenty in common with the others at the meeting. It was a closed discussion, women only, meeting in a church. There were only 8 or 9 of us. I even shared part of my story, which if you knew me, you'd know how huge that is. I'm painfully shy in groups where everyone is a stranger, and the situation is frighteningly new to me. I always feel that I'm going to be judged. Tonight, I didn't feel that I was being judged at all. Just accepted for who I am, in my current place on the journey toward sobriety.

I'm actually looking forward to going back.

How You Know It's Really Love

It's really love when you let him watch the shows he wants, even though you're freaking bored out of your mind.

It's really love when you don't buy that bottle of wine, because you'd rather see that sweet smile instead of disappointment and anger on his face at your being drunk again.

(Is it just too sad that I can't come up with any more than 2 points??)

Ready to Restart, Again

Well, I've ended up drinking for most of an entire week now, but somehow, I've managed not to do it publicly, or even in a way that my DH knows, although I think he may just be in extreme denial of the obvious.

I've reached that point again, though, where I'm just questioning why I'm doing it in the first place. It's not relieving any stress, I'm not even enjoying it (can't seem to get a good buzz going, and I end up realizing I've gone over the edge where it's too much and not pleasant at all), and combined with the HRT, I've managed to pack on an extra 4 to 5 pounds in a week's time (I also tend to eat a lot more when I drink, unlike many drinkers who eat nothing or eat less, and I eat food that's higher in fat and calories than I normally do). On my small-boned 5-foot frame, that's quite a bit extra, and it shows, and is impacting my wardrobe very negatively (as in, nothing at all fits except for sweat pants). Maybe it's because I've drunk mostly vodka this time, rather than wine, that I'm not enjoying it. Whatever, the reason, I just feel like I'm ready to give sobriety another good long shot.

I do have to say that one reason I had such good luck with it for nearly a month is that my DH was home (he didn't work all that time), so 1) I didn't really have the opportunity I normally do with him being gone during the week to purchase alcohol, and then to have uninterrupted hours to drink, and 2) I wasn't lonely and depressed, so I wasn't motivated to drink, as I normally am. I think the most difficult thing for me to learn to do will be just to cope on a daily, or even hourly basis when I'm by myself, and not want to just numb my senses and while away the time by losing it in a stupor.

Blowing It

Well, I totally blew my nearly month-long run of sobriety. Did it sneak up on me and take me unawares? No. I big fat planned it out. Which maybe is why I didn't even enjoy it.

I went to lunch with my friend on Thursday. She was already seated when I arrived 10 minutes late, and had ordered a Diet Coke. She wasn't sitting there already sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio or Chianti. So what do I do? When the waitress comes to take my drink order, I look at my friend and ask "Is that all you're going to have?" So I guilt her into having a glass with me, even though she's "trying to be good" for caloric reasons, not drinking issues, which she doesn't have as far as I know.

All well and good. I completely enjoy the glass of wine, I'm eating, so I just have the slightest and most pleasant little buzz when we leave, but as we've spontaneously decided to go get manis and pedis and I'm anticipating being utterly pampered for an hour, I say "Too bad we didn't have another glass of wine."

On the way home (after the nail place), I stop at the liquor store, but since they don't have the UV Citruv I want, I don't buy anything, but I KNOW I'm going to get it the next day when the DH is out of town for 2 days, because I want a veg-out day in front of the tube, accompanied by pretty pink martinis.

I do go the next day, and make my purchase, and proceed to try to get drunk. I finally have to up the ratio of liquor to mixer by 3 in order to start feeling anything other than a mild fuzziness. I'm feeling pretty much in the zone for about 20 minutes, and then I wake up when it's dark, drooling on the leather couch, and manage to make my way back to the bedroom, where I crawl into bed with my makeup on and teeth unbrushed and sleep until dawn the next morning.

So what was the frigging point?